The Apostates' Handy JW Glossary

Doug Checketts (aka Farkel)

"Apostate" -- the most evil word in the JW lexicon. Worse than Satan, worse than demons. Say the word, and watch real TERROR well up in the eyes of a JW. (See "Internet".)

"Demons" -- real SCARY beings. They just can't wait to "get in" to your body and mess you up. A group of bad, bad, spirit entities which somehow love to inhabit used clothing, furniture, lawn chairs, and mostly, apostates, to name a few. They are frequently seen lurking around garage sales, and antique shops.

"Satan" -- a token bad guy. Doesn't scare anyone, anymore. But "demons" do.

"Jehovah" -- scares JWS more than apostates, demons, and Satan put together. Scares JWs more than any Circuit Overseer ever could, for that matter, or even your typical Elder. Current residence is in, or near the Pleiades Star System.

"Satan Inspired" -- to JWs: "them"

"Holy Spirit" -- some sort of a "force", or something. It acts, but we don't know how it acts, when it acts, and what it acts upon. But it "acts", I guess.

"Internet" -- hiding out place for demons and apostates.

"The Truth" -- a series of perpetually changing understanding of prophecy, doctrines, rules and regulations. The "light" (see "New Light") is said to get "brighter as that Day approaches". Obviously, then, that "Day" is a long ways off. According to the current "light" as now understood, we may well see another ice age or two before the "truth" really becomes known.

"Theocratic Talk" -- words only used by JWs, which are used to separate the spiritually strong from the "world", spiritually weak, disassociated and disfellowshiped ones.

"Worldly Talk" -- any words that JWs don't like.

"Wordly People" -- literally, all humans inhabiting this planet. To JWs: "them".

"Christians" -- literally, all humans who believe in and accept Jesus Christ. To JWs: "us".

"Sheep" -- victim.

"Other Sheep" -- second-class victim.

"Shepherd" -- used as a both noun and a verb. As it noun it means "boss guy". As a verb it means, "to question a believer's faith, to pry, to harass, to make uninvited visits".

"Elder" -- a man who has demonstrated unswerving loyalty to the WTBS by his works and who has been rewarded with the responsibility of "shepherding" over a Congregation. Duties include shepherding (see "Shepherd") teaching, snooping, counseling, reprimanding, reproving, disfellowshipping and ocassionally, spying. Each Officially Approved "Elder's Kit" includes a "secret book", 7000 or so WTBS confidential "forms" to use and send directly to Headquarters Central, and a precision ruler, so be careful of your hair length, gentlemen, and your dress length, ladies!

"Ministerial Servant" -- 1) a wannabe Elder who doesn't yet understand how Congregational politics work. 2) a former Elder who pissed off another Elder or Elders who had more clout with the Circuit Overseer.

"A Man Who Holds No Position of Reponsibility in the Congregation" -- One lucky guy. (see "Spiritually Weak".)

"A Woman in the Congregation" -- "keep your place, little lady. And don't forget that head covering."

"Theocratic Parental Discipline" -- beat your child.

"Spiritually Weak" -- anyone who dares not to conform precisely to every teaching, rule and regulation. Although not officially stated in any official WTBS publication, "Spiritually Strong" JWs are allowed to stare and sneer at.

"Spiritually Weak" -- JWs without recrimination. This is a frequently used frustration outlet for JWs, who are lucky they didn't get branded with that title first. Some "Spiritually Strong" people spend hours in the mirror practicing the facial expression which evokes "you pathetic little fool. I pity the dust on your feet. You'll never make it through the great tribulation, 'cause you don't got the guts to follow the rules. But I do, so there. Have a nice day."

"Spiritually Strong" -- see Webster's definition under the word, "robot".

"Open Minded Person" -- an apostate, a thinker. Oops, I mean "independent thinker".

"Closed Minded Person" -- haughty, full of pride, stubborn, one who won't take the magazines when offered at the door.

"No-Minded Person" -- spiritually mature. (See "Elder".)

"Inactive" -- the thinking level peak which is reached by members at Congregational meetings and Assemblies.

"Street Work" -- a no-brainer and easy way to "put in your hours", and if you're male, to watch the babes at the same time. Be sure to starch your entire body before you try it out, though.

"Kingdom Hall" -- a building used for JW indoctrination. Could also be a place for fellowship, should anyone actually try to do that. Includes a specially constructed "star chamber" for committee meetings and a tamper-proof safe for the "Flock" book.

"Assembly Hall" -- to a JW adult: another opportunity to go camping down the toilet. To a JW child, "Mom! Do we have to go THERE all weekend, again?"

"The Catholic Church" -- for years considered to be the worst of the worst in Christendom or "Babylon the Great". Attitude changed due to current "light", upon the interesting discovery that WTBS and Roman Catholic Church leadership hierarchies are literally the same: priest-elder, monsignor-Circuit Overseer, bishop-District Overseer, Archbishop-Zone Overseer, Cardinal-Branch Servant, Pope- Governing Body, among a lot of other unique similarities. Not only is the Catholic Church no longer a "snare and a racket", it is being considered as a viable financial advisor to be utilized in protecting the vested interests of the WTBS. While never admitted officially, someone took the time to point out to the WTBS that they lambasted the RCC for changing their stance on the eating of meat on Fridays, but never apologized for their ever-changing stances on vaccinations, organ transplants, military service, and blood. No one ever died from not eating meat on Fridays. 'nough said. The Catholic Church is now: not so bad, after all. "Don't point out my skeletons, and I won't point out yours."

"Revisionism" -- a practice frequently used, but regularly denied by the WTBS.

"Bound Volumes" -- doctored up copies of old Watchtower magazines.

"Superior Authorities" -- depends on what month of the year it is and whose on the Governing Body at any given time.

"Beth-Sarim" -- literally, "house of drunks".

"Beth-Shan" -- a complex owned by the WTBS adjacent to Beth-Sarim, complete with two bomb shelters and conveniently located next to 3 liquor stores. Purchased for "Theocratic Insurance" in case Jehovah forgot to provide protection to Judge Rutherford at the "imminent" battle of Armageddon. Quietly sold after WWII, with all proceeds then being used to support the preaching work. Sure.

"Blood" -- the "symbol" of life itself.

"Blood Transfusion" -- a life-saving medical procedure refused by JWs, in which it is reasoned, a "symbol" is more important than the life the "symbol" represents. (See "Blood" and "Idolatry".)

"Idol" -- any likeness or symbol of something. (See "Idolatry".)

"Idolatry" -- the worship of an Idol. (See "Idol".)

"The Society" -- the representative or symbol of JWs. (See "Idol".)

"Spiritual Encouragement" -- bullying.

"Appreciate" -- like it or leave.

"Higher Education" -- how should I know? I was raised a Witness.

"Spiritual Food" -- 1) A diet, that if kept up for any length of time, will result in total starvation. 2) Any JW publication which has been hot off the press for a week or less, tops. Not to be confused with the Holy Bible, which by itself, is NOT to be considered as spiritual food. It's sorta like protein: the Bible is considered "incomplete" protein unless taken in conjunction with other "foods", i.e. The Watchtower and Asleep! magazines. Then, it's complete "protein" and nutritious for you. (If you have a strong stomach, and don't have a tendency to vomit easily.)

"Spiritual Food at the Proper Time" -- damage control.

"Spiritual Fornication" -- the most polite expression a JW may use when referring anyone who has anything to do with a religious organization other than the WTBS. Unfortunately, this expression tends to arouse older members of the Congregation in a not-so-nice-way, so it is being used more infrequently.

"Earthly Hope" -- a second-class existence in which, the people on earth will be ruled over from heaven by many people they didn't like when they were alive, anyway.

"Harvest Sifting" -- the result of the Miracle Wheat scandal.

"Miracle Wheat" -- the first, failed attempt of the WTBS at trying out the "free enterprise" system. The WTBS later learned that it was much more successful, by using, instead, the "slave enterprise" system.

"Class" -- a "greater fullfullment" word which applies to virtually every character ever mentioned in the Bible. In the "greater fullfillment", the "class" which represents each Bible character is somehow applied to JWs. How do ya fit "Onan" in there, anyway?

"Gentile Times" -- a way of teaching multiplication to non-Jews.

"Children" -- a book written by a WTBS President who never had any.

"Prophecy" -- another book written by the same WTBS President. An oxymoron.

"Oxymoron" -- Free Home Bible Study, Independent Thinking, Public Talk, New Light, The "Truth", Non-Inspired Prophet, Faithful and Discrete Slave, "Good" News of the Kingdom, Happiest People on Earth, "Servant", "Trustworthy and Reliable" Bible Chronology, Love God in Fear, "We Bring a Heart of Wisdom to this matter", "Declaration of Facts", "Aid to Bible Understanding", "The Truth That Leads to Eternal Life", etc. Sigh.

"Opposer" -- not literally "one who opposes", but merely one who doesn't agree with everything rule and doctrine put forward, without questioning or verifying.

"Where else can we go?" -- a question asked of Jesus by his Apostles, and which applied to Him as the only place to turn for salvation. Currently used by the WTBS to apply to themselves. Standard apostate retort when asked that question is "how about a nice movie, or something?"

"Erich Frost" -- current WTBS example of a "faithful servant", albeit deceased. Was responsible for betraying 7 Circuit Overseers and their families to the Nazis during WWII, resulting in their imprisonment in concentration camps. One died there.

"The Organization" -- 1) Your Mother. 2) The intermediary for all of mankind to get to Jesus Christ. Removed Christ from his seat at the head of the Throne and as Mediator for all Mankind, and rejected his requirements for baptism during the "trying times" of the 1980's, to make things "simpler" for the average JW. 3) The ONLY way to Salvation. 4) 12 old geezers and their faithful minions who actually believe this caca.

The "New Covenant" -- something 99 percent of faithful Jehovah's Witnesses can never experience. It is also unfortunate that the OTHER 1 percent will never experience it, either! But, according to JW dogma, it is a "lucky break" for anyone who was born before 1935 when, after that, Jehovah pretty much "slammed the door" on any new inductees. Jehovah can play "rough" sometimes, can't he?

"Publisher's Time Sheet" -- literally, "JW Report Card".

"Annual Yearbook" -- a vehicle used to regularly dispense a false history of JWs. It also includes statistics which no statistician can use in any meaningful way.

"Aid to Bible Understanding" -- a master JW reference book. All of the 3 authors were subsequently disfellowshipped, and thus were not entitled to any royalties.

"Anointed" -- an experience that, unfortunately, no "anointed" one has ever been able to explain. Before 1935, no one had to explain it. They just WERE! After 1935, they didn't have to explain it either: they just, somehow, KNOW. After all, a lot of the "Evil Slave" died unrepentant. So there must be some "openings", mustn't there? At Pentecost they REALLY KNEW, according to the Bible, because they were overcome with Holy Spirit. Modern anointed ones don't even experience 6 volts of Holy Spirit. Shame.

"Evil Slave" -- originally applied to the "Standfasters" who left the Russell organization because they objected to any participation in war, including buying bonds which supported the war, which Russell supported in print. Currently applies to any ex-"anointed", former "faithful and discrete slave" who doesn't toe the line. When I was a youngster, I was warned that if I encountered any elderly person who started to say nice things about Russell, and his teachings, I should flee that household right away! The 'ol Evil Slave was ready and willing to entice me into apostasy.

"Stumbled" -- someone tripped up and disillusioned over failed JW doctrines or Elder bullying. Used perjoratively.

"Hypocrisy" -- something all other religions, except JWs practice.

"Just Imperfect Men" -- catch-all excuse when prophecies fail, or an over-zealous Elder wrecks the lives of an individual or a family.

The "Great Crowd" -- shirttail followers of the "chosen ones" in the "New Covenant". "It's too bad you were unlucky enough to be born after we decided that 1935 was the "cut off" date. Sorry about that." Sometimes referred to as "second class Christians".

"New Light" -- a catchall phrase which means "an old mistake has now just been replaced with another, newer mistake".

"Spirit Directed" -- what happened when Johnannes Greber participated in the creation of the New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures. Also refers to C.T. Russell's dabbling with astrology and pyramidology.

"Unity" -- unquestioning conformity.

"Conformity" -- something practiced only by Catholics and other "Worldly" religions.

"Science" -- an unknown concept in the JW world.

"Scholarly" -- see "Science."

"Reasoning" -- making things up.

"Bible Interpretation" -- see "Reasoning".

"Society's Writing Staff" -- see "Reasoning".

"607 B.C." -- the fundamental date critical to supporting the entire JW framework of prophetic chronology. This date, unique to only JWs, has been rejected by virtually EVERY other Bible historian and archeologist. (See "Reasoning".)

"1914 A.D." -- the single most important date in JW doctrine, and is the result of using 607 B.C. as an "anchor date", using the book of Daniel, Chapter 4, as proof.

This is based upon the following, simple reasoning:

7 "times" doesn't mean "7 times". It means "7 years".

But,"7 years" doesn't really mean 7 "years", either. It means "7 years of days".

But, the "days" in "years of days" doesn't really mean "years of days", in which the days actually mean "days", but means "years of days", in which the "days" actually mean "years".

Therefore, it is easy for even a fool to see that "7 times" REALLY means "7 years" but which really means "7 years of days", but which then really means "7 years of days which aren't really days, but years", or simply stated "7 years of days of which days are really years". To put it even so a child can understand it, it means that the "times" aren't "times" at all, but are "years", which aren't "years" at all, but are "years of days", which aren't "days" at all, but are "years" AFTER all, even though they were originally CALLED "times"!

Got all that? There's more.

Strangely, however, for all of this to work, this fulfillment, based upon an ANCIENT text, still requires the use of the ANCIENT calendar for the MODERN fulfillment to work out to 1914. Therefore, ancient text + ancient calendar = modern date in modern calendar.

When doing your calculations, don't forget that there is no "zero year" from B.C to A.D. C.T. Russell forgot that and was quite embarrassed about it. The official WTBS explanation in later, revised, editions of his books was that "the battery was very low in his calculator at that time" and he wasn't aware of it until after the material was printed.

Lastly, the book of Daniel was prophesied to remain "sealed" until the "last days", which, as we know, began in 1914, according to the simple reasoning just presented. So, Russell had to figure out a way to, somehow "unseal" Daniel before it was prophesied that Daniel WOULD be "unsealed" so he could then put forth a prophecy which pointed to exactly when Daniel WAS to be "unsealed", namely at the start of the "last days", in 1914. Russell, therefore, successfully used a "sealed" book to calculate the exact date it was to be "unsealed", which at that time it was officially, "unsealed", but Russell "unsealed" it before that, because he wanted to know beforehand when it WOULD be "unsealed", because only THEN would he know when the "last days" were to start, which was, of course, when Daniel actually WAS to be "unsealed". Got all that?

I apologize to the reader for using so many words, but, this stuff is so, well, "DEEP"! (See "607 B.C." and "Reasoning".)

"The Trinity" -- a pagan belief thoroughly disproved by the Society's chief mathematician emeritus, who demonstrated through a complex series of equations that 1+1+1 cannot possibly equal one, and through further empirical reasoning proved that pagan idea of 1/3+1/3+1/3=1 diminishes the glory of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Such indisputable and sound logic has confounded and amazed the traditional realm of theoretical mathematicians worldwide. (See "Reasoning".)

The "World" -- what is occupied by "Wordlings". (See Worldlings.)

"Committee Meeting" -- you are about to be doomed.

"Pay Attention to Yourself and to All the Flock" -- a top secret WTBS book which everyone knows about and has read, except JWs.

"Branch Office Service Procedures Manual" -- another top secret WTBS book which has more rules and regulations than the entire U.S Internal Revenue Service Code and Federal Law Code combined. One such "Branch" book accidentally caught on fire recently at a Branch Servant's vacation camping trip in the woods and kept the entire group toasty warm for over three weeks! It has been rumored that this book is so large that by the time any Branch Servant can finally locate a rule needed to solve an immediate problem, there have already been 3 new revised versions of the book written and printed.

"Donation" -- in the Congregation: extortion by "encouragement". In the field service: extortion by "sympathy".

"Assembly" -- a Worldwide book-promotion tour, together with entertainment, including "Bible Dramas" designed to cure every form of insomnia. (Don't forget to stand at attention when the announcements are read.)

"FREE Home Bible Study" -- a very EXPENSIVE lesson in life and pocketbook when played to its inevitable conclusion.

"Disfellowshipment" -- spiritual and familial homicide. Attempts to upgrade this practice to physical homicide have been thwarted because of existing laws in most countries.

"Disassociation" -- the same results as disfellowshipment, except the person gets to get out before they are forced out.

"Public Reproof" -- cruel and unusual punishment in front of the entire JW community.

"Reprimand" -- a relatively minor discipline administered to those who have mastered the art of begging or who are expert liars.

"Reinstatement" -- a "blessing" to be dispensed at the whim of the Elders after an extended period of public humiliation. It can also refer to a spiritual concession of conscience made by a disfellowshiped one, owing to the natural and very human desire to be able to associate with family and friends, despite knowing "something" about the belief is wrong.

"Independent Thinking" -- a marvelous gift to mankind from our Creator, Jehovah. Unfortunately, to many this ability is lost, due to frontal lobotomies or persistence in continuing to attend Watchtower Studies.

"Magog" -- a washing machine which never seems to break.

The Book "From Paradise Lost to Paradise Regained" -- responsible for intolerable mental abuse for any child who read it and had to look at the "Armageddon" pictures. Now out of print, fortunately.

"Great Tribulation" -- something which just never seems to happen as planned.

"Fixing Dates" -- something the WTBS forswore not to do about 40 years before 1975.

"The Last Days" -- there is a great deal of excitement about this in Brooklyn. Seems someone has postulated that the Greek word for "days" may also be loosely translated "centuries". (Is Freddie Franz back in action, again?) It will take consultation with a noted psychic to verify whether this change in translation will be implemented, or not, however.

"Childlessness" -- a practice strongly encouraged for married couples for nearly a hundred years due to the "remaining short time". Definitely a major breakthrough in JW birth-control.

"Porneia" -- anything which stimulates the hormones of the average Elder.

"1975" -- 1) to Witness newbies, a date just like any other: no more, no less. Now not even mentioned under "significant" dates in the WTBS reference books. 2) A "Harvest Sifting" in which over-speculative and presumptuous people erroneously hoped something would happen, but was never declared in print to happen. 3) A year to weed out the "lazy ones" who were only serving Jehovah for imminent salvation. 4) A date which destroyed many fragile psyches, life savings, and families. 5) A date not to forget for apostates. Long- time apostates will always remember October 5, 1975, as "a day of infamy".

"1874" -- a date, whose historical significance we shall never know, because everyone who believed in what was going to happen on that date is now dead.

"Judge Rutherford" -- a deceased gentleman whose unfortunate destiny in the eternal afterlife was to be placed in a room loaded with fully stocked (but locked) liquor cabinets. And he has no key! Just his own books to keep him company! On the wall of this room is a bright mural which is eternally flashing in garish colors: "Religion is a Snare and a Racket", accompanied by shrill and deafening sounds of his "phonograph" speechs, for ever, and ever, and ever!

"Loose Conduct" -- any type of sexual activity which, when described in minute detail, is designed to stimulate the prurient interests of the Elders. (See "Porneia".)

"Public Talk" -- a lecture which is almost NEVER attended by any of the public. On the rare occasion when a member of the public attends, it is only for once, due to a phenomenon known as "sleep apnea".

"Sleep Apnea" -- a chronic grogginess induced at the first verse of the first song at every JW meeting. This phenomenon has also been noticed in householders who are being given a "thorough Witness". (See "Thorough Witness".)

"Giving a Thorough Witness" -- see "Sleep Apnea".

"Watchtower Study" -- a very "deep" discussion of JW doctrine via a question and answer format. On occasion, the Bible may also be used, as long as its used in moderation.

"Moderation" -- a strict form of conduct applicable to every activity in every JW's life, with the exception of field service and Watchtower donations.

"Spiritually Deep" -- anything contradictory to JW teaching, or anything which cannot be explained to any rational, questioning human being. Also used by the lower ranks of JWs to explain away anything not understood, since most of the lower ranks don't read the literature to begin with.

"Tract" and "Booklet" -- something passed out to the public by JWs, which is promptly turned into fireplace fodder.

"The Magazines" -- also something passed out to the public by JWs, but unlike tracts and booklets, can be rolled into nifty fireplace LOGS!

"The Books" -- unlike booklets and magazines, these are most suitable for Bon Fires.

"Exegesis" -- a critical interpretation of a text. Most JWs think it is the second book of the Bible.

"Heuristic" -- valuable for empirical reasoning. The normal JW does not know the meaning of this word, but assumes it must have a "dirty sexual" connotation. (See "Porneia".)

"Type and Antitype" -- a method of Bible interpretation developed by Frederick W. Franz, which basically allows for a minimum of two meanings to EVERY verse in the Bible. This effective coup virtually doubled the original meaning and interpretation of the Bible in one fell swoop!

"Archtype" -- an enhancement to the "type and antitype" theory of interpretation which caused the possible interpretations of the original Bible to be TRIPLED!

"Fred Franz" -- a dead guy who made all this goofy stuff up.

"Literacy" -- a recent phenomenon occurring in modern Congregations of Jehovah's Witnesses. Portends the possibility that JW literature will have less of those sappy and stupid pictures than in the past.

"Bethel Art Staff" -- a bunch of guys who stand to lose their jobs if this "literacy" thing continues.

"The Jimmy Swaggart Incident" -- didn't happen. Show me ANYWHERE in the literature of JWs proof that it actually happened.

"Negro" -- a human being with distinctive physical racial characteristics who will never sit on the Governing Body until a bunch of people make a stink about it.

"Asian" -- see "Negro".

"Jew" -- see the "Declaration of Facts", sent to Adolf Hitler in 1933.

"Famine - 1975" -- a very authoritative book, quoted frequently by the WTBS, which proves beyond any shadow of a doubt that the world would be enveloped with famine in 1975. Out of print since Jan 1, 1976.

"Reliable and Trustworthy Bible Chronology" -- oh, oh. We're headed for more "new light" and another GB "spanking" after this prophecy fails.

"Reform" -- something Martin Luther did, but then he was an apostate. This word is nowhere to be found in the JW lexicon.

"Worldlings" -- a term of deep respect used by JWs when referring to anyone outside of their organization.

"Wait on Jehovah" -- literally, "We don't have a clue".

"Kingdom Ministry School" -- advanced sales training. Requires "Ministry School 101" as a prerequisite.

"Final Concluding Comments" -- the most eagerly awaited part of any JW meeting.

"Nephilim" -- the children of angelic demons and earthly mothers who all spoke with lisps.

"The 7 Trumpets" -- refers to a "significant" scriptural prophecy which, "unquestionably", had its fulfillment in 7 JW assemblies in the 1920's. For some strange reason, it hasn't been mentioned in print in decades.

"Jesus, the Christ" -- The Son of God. He is believed to answer directly to the dictates of the "faithful and discrete slave". (See "faithful and discrete slave".)

"Book Study" -- another form of study, which invariably occurs on the one night of all of your favorite TV shows.

"Weekend Field Service" -- a preaching requirement which explains why the lawns of most JWs are longer than their neighbors'.

"Faithful and Discrete Slave" (FDS) -- a group of around 7,000 or so "chosen" people. The ETERNAL SALVATION of the rest of the ENTIRE world (6 BILLION living people) entirely rests with how they "treat" this FDS. This presents a major logistical problem for these 6 billion people who are desperately scurrying around the planet to trying to LOCATE one of those FDS so they can treat him or her "nice". Most FDS do not keep a high profile (they are in rest homes and wheelchairs and have bowel problems) and so are very hard to locate. Finding someone of the FDS to treat "nice" is difficult in America, and virtually impossible in China, India and Muslim countries. They are, therefore, doomed, unless they afford to retain a good private detective to help them locate one.

"Governing Body" -- a group of 12 to 18 men (depending upon who's alive at the time) who will soon be able to retire in a $50,000,000 (materials only, labor was free) resort complex on nearly 700 acres in Patterson, New Jersey.

"Inactive Publisher" -- total loser. Very vulnerable to "demon penetration".

"Ordinary Publisher" -- loser. Someone not "reaching out".

"Vacation (auxiliary) Pioneer" -- a cheap attempt at gaining salvation.

"Regular Pioneer" -- showing some potential for greatness here. Might make it to Ministerial Servant if you don't make waves.

"Special Pioneer" -- now you are something SPECIAL! (No medical benefits, or pension, though.) Elder material, if, fortunately, you are not a female.

"Missionary" -- salvation by quota. Discount on magazines, and enough money a month to place you at, or near, the poverty level of the average citizen of Calcutta, India.

"Bethelite" -- forced exile from reality. Loyalty oath required. Free room and board, though. Frequent room searches, unfortunately. Don't know about free subway tokens these days. Stuff is always changing. Annual clothing allowance, subsidized, in part, by "Goodwill Industries". Good view of the Hudson River. Must be subjected to GB members flatulation and dozing off while presenting the morning's text. If you are in charge of the dining room that day, you sometimes need to remind the GB why they are there in the first place. Requirement to "shepherd" a congregation in Albany, or some other distant place, including Sweden. Must be on time to work every day.

"Grumbling" -- members of the Congregation saying it like it is.

"Gileadite" -- intense preparation for salvation by quota. Must read the entire Bible, but only in moderation. Get a hobby, if you have problems with that.

"Congregational Overseer" -- power over the entire Congregation. A real rush.

"Circuit Overseer" -- power over the Congregational Overseers. A better rush. Free meals in homes is a nice perk. No dishes to wash, either.

"District, Zone, and Branch Overseers" -- power over everyone under them. A super rush.

"Governing Body" -- apparent power over Christ, the Bible and Jehovah God. The ultimate, but only a very TEMPORARY rush, since it takes around 100 years to become a member. Best benefit? WTBS stock options and regular dividends from the faithful.

"Patterson Complex" -- a "teaching" complex with NO literature printing, binding, or distribution facilities, but apparently, plenty of condos for the WT elite. Adjacent to this facility is the Patterson Inn, a "for-profit" hotel owned by the WTBS, due to tax-income-related compromises made with the City of Patterson, which, until now, had no hotel. Thanks to "God's Spirit-Directed Organization", Patterson now has a hotel! Praise the Lord!

"Patterson Complex Visitation Arrangements" -- All faithful may visit the complex and stay in the hotel. The admission price for a Patterson Complex tour is yet-to-be determined. Due to current legal trends, a "donation" type system may be substituted for an actual admission. This all depends upon the current tax laws at the time of opening, and will be subject to change, depending upon future tax laws, which might be enacted at any future date. However, it has been determined that the living quarters of the GB will be strictly off-limits. At $300 per square foot, this ain't no Budget Inn. "In-Condo" Jacuzzis, anyone? Home entertainment systems, anyone? Room or maid service, anyone?

"Greed" -- a vile lifestyle practiced by all religious clergy, except the leaders of Jehovah's Witnesses. Condemned in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 5:11. Not currently a followed-through disfellowshipping offense. Subject to change, as is everything else. New Light next week. News at 11:00. Better yet, don't miss your next Assembly, folks! More books ahead!

(As penned by a bona fide JW-defined apostate, but NOT necessarily an apostate according to Christ. See "Addendum, Christ II")

Addendum: "Christ II:"

1. The Savior of All Mankind.
2. Not subject to man-made rules and regulations.
3. King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
4. The ONLY way to Salvation.
5. The one providing a loving Ransom for even the unrighteous.
6. My God and My Lord.
7. The Way and the real "Light."
8. Provider of Truth and Compassion, and Mercy.
9. The One who will judge all usurpers of His Glory.
10. The One who gave the Sermon on the Mount, the most beautiful piece of glorious and inspirational poetry ever written.

Amen.